It requires more than decluttering
Letting go without context
Some people struggle to declutter because they need context. Without it, they feel they can’t let go.
By context I mean that someone is decluttering their study and they find an egg-flip. The person doesn’t know if they have any other egg-flips, or how many they have, so they can’t make a decision to discard that egg-flip. They keep it, and then weeks later have the same dilemma when they find another egg-flip somewhere else. Was it the same one? Do I only have one? Or do I h…ave more, and can I safely donate this one? Usually the uncertainty is too high so they choose to keep it.
There is one obvious solution to this – declutter by category. Grab all your egg-flips, put them in one place and then declutter. Marie Kondo has borrowed this method for her book and it can be very helpful.
Unfortunately, it’s only helpful for people with low-to-medium levels of clutter or for relatively organised homes (ie, all your items are contained to one to three rooms per category, like clothes or toys). It’s completely useless for people with high or hoarding levels. I mean, how on earth do you find all of your batteries in the whole house when you can’t even open the cupboards or see the floor?
So my poor clients are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They can’t discard because they fear discarding too many or the wrong ones, and they can’t find the rest to help facilitate the decision-making.
The solution I recommend (understanding how hard it is) is to just forget the context. Forget the others, forget the maybes, just declutter as much as you possibly can, knowing that if you make a mistake, you’ll still be okay and your main goal of being in control of your belongings is more important than trying to avoid having to buy a $3 egg-flip from KMart.
That’s the key – knowing you’ll still be okay no matter what choice you make. Because you will, I promise.
Decluttering affirmations
Some decluttering affirmations for you to use when things get tough:
I am enough. I don’t need stuff to define me.
I have enough. I am blessed with all I have.
If I make a mistake and cull something I regret, I’ll still be okay.
I am safe.
People are more important than stuff.
Culling is not wasteful. Keeping things without using them is wasteful.
I’ll be okay. Everything will be okay, no matter what I do.
We all hoard stuff. Yes, even you.
We all hoard to a certain degree. That’s “hoard” with a lower-case h. I’m not talking about Hoarding Disorder (another post, another day!).
I have a friend who has a well-organised, substantial hoard of travel toiletries. I have more staples than I’ll use in the next 5 years. And I have amassed quite a collection of iPhone cables.
We do our hoarding either passively or actively. If we actively hoard, we are aware of the volume of stuff we have, and we continue to acquire them and choose to not discard any (shoes, notebooks, pets, furniture, craft supplies and books come to mind).
When we passively hoard, we accumulate relatively mindlessly (as part of everyday life) and don’t have the corresponding habit of discarding established. And so we gather a little collection without realising. My friend recently went through her junk drawers and found several boxes of staples and no stapler. I think they’d also accumulated several rolls of tape. She was surprised – she had no idea they had that many.
That’s passive hoarding and you’ll see it manifesting in things like pens, tape, broken things you intend to fix, cassette tapes and VHS tapes, cords and cables, placemats, old paperwork, coffee mugs, plasticware, water bottles, stubbie-holders, vases and platters.
You don’t realise until you go to declutter just how much you’ve accidentally kept!
If you’re passively hoarding stuff, it’s a good idea to establish the habit of regularly going through those areas and having a quick cull to keep the volume at bay. Another good habit is to have a quick review whenever you bring a new item into the house and see if anything needs to go to make room for it or to maintain the current volume.
What do you find that you passively hoard?
Keeping up with the @joneses
When you’re trying to get your life under control it’s very important not to compare yourself with others. Especially with others on social media.
There’s so much “perfection” out there. On Pinterest, Instagram and Facebook.
It’s easy to get sucked into the idea that your life would be better if you looked like them, or your house did. If you could afford new furnishings or a Professional Organiser, if you could take the kids to interesting places every weekend and everyone smiled and looked like the perfect family.
You can’t see the struggles behind that “perfection” but don’t assume they aren’t there. Don’t assume that the picture of the perfect living room wasn’t taken by a woman in tears whose teenage daughter had just ripped shreds off her, or by a person in severe debt that kept them awake all night worrying. You don’t see the tantrums, the fights, the tension. You don’t see the anxiety, the throwing things and the coldness. You don’t see the overdue bills, the migraines, the depression.
And that’s fine – no one likes to show off the ugly and unhappy sides of life that inevitably affect all of us, no matter who, no matter how. No one wants to see it all the time, either.
But what’s not okay is to let yourself be dissatisfied with your life because you want it to be perfect.
Perfect doesn’t exist.
You can have a perfectly organised pantry with all glass containers full of organic whatever and you will still just hide in it and sob as you eat chocolate while the toddler screams blue murder for cutting their toast in squares instead of triangles, despite asking for squares in the first place.
A perfect home does not equal a perfect life. You’ll still have life’s struggles, you’ll just be doing it all in white with pastel, hanging planters and elk horns, with a toddler in a hand-knitted outfit.
A home under control does help you and that should be what you’re aiming for.
Just make sure it’s YOUR version of “under control”, not Instagram’s.
5 Clutter-Enablers to Keep Your Eye On
I was with a client recently and I was holding a catalogue that she asked me to toss in the recycling. I looked down as I tossed it in the bin and I saw a product on the back and my first thought was “Oh! That looks handy!” and started to think about where I’d put it and who’d use it in the house and where. My next thought, thankfully, was “For goodness sake, Rebecca, you don’t need a jigsaw-puzzle mat”.
But still, I was sucked into creating a need in my mind based on seeing a picture of something. I didn’t need nor want a jigsaw mat until I saw it. Sucked in, Mezzino!
So it got me thinking about ways we accidentally allow need to be created in our minds where it didn’t exist before. Here’s some of them that might be familiar:
1) Home shopping networks and catalogues – the culprit that got me. There’s one here in Australia that is particularly enticing because it has clever gadgets that spark your imagination. The issue is that they are very specific products, made for narrow purposes, which means you have a lot of products doing just one thing each. There are common things like avocado slicers (which slice nothing but an avocado) or garlic crushers (again, just for garlic) or more unusual items like an egg cuber (makes a square egg, of course). They create need where there is no real need (got a knife? There’s your avo slicer and garlic crusher in one!).
2) Sales. Marketers know very well that when we shop we buy stuff based on emotion and we justify the purchase with logic (after the fact most of the time). And when we shop in sales, the weight of emotion is stronger. We get a kick out of getting something for nothing. For getting something for less than what someone else may have paid. Then after the purchase, there’s more logic to back up the decision – “But I got $200 shoes for only $100!”. Nope. Discounts are not a real thing. They are something that masks the fact that you spent $100 on something you probably didn’t need. Something you won’t really use and will eventually have to discard (which can hurt for some). So you didn’t save $100, you wasted $100. Of course, you can buy stuff on sale, and you can save money, but only if you intended to buy that item before you saw it, and you were prepared to pay full price. That’s the only time you actually save money on a sale.
3) Charity auctions. You can accidentally spend money on things you don’t need because you can justify it by the thought that the money is going somewhere good, or that you were going to buy something like that anyway. Be careful; if you have clutter issues, it’s best you just make a donation.
4) “Clubs”, party plan and purchasing schemes. I had a client that was part of a scrap-booking group. There were three tiers to membership, each involving a compulsory purchase of materials each month. She felt like she’d be letting down the organiser if she dropped down a tier or two, but didn’t want the stuff and it was literally filling up her house. Any time you’re required to make a purchase in order to fulfil a commitment, run away!
5) Shopping as entertainment. When you shop for the fun of it, you are more likely to impulse-purchase. You are more likely to buy things just because they’re on sale or cheap, or they’re pretty. Shopping is a helpful activity when it’s done mindfully – when you know what you want and you don’t buy anything that’s not on your list (mental or otherwise – I always have a mental list of things I need, and sometimes write a specific one for that particular shopping excursion). If you deviate from the list, you’re probably collecting clutter.
Do you know of any other sneaky clutter-enablers?
Churning (or: Why You’re Getting Nowhere)
Sometimes you think you’re working really hard at trying to gain control of your clutter, but you find you make no progress.
You are constantly sorting and organising, tidying and moving things around in an effort to gain order and be able to find your stuff when you want it, and have clear surfaces, but you don’t get anywhere.
No sooner do you clear a spot than you turn around and it’s full again.
“Whhhyyyyy??!??!!?” I hear you wail….
Here’s why – you’re just churning, or as my best friend puts it, “moving deck chairs on the Titanic”
Churning is the act of sorting, categorising, grouping into piles or sections and then having to do it again when the piles all merge together after a few days or weeks.
You need to stop churning and face the reality that the only way you’re going to gain control is to reduce the volume of your possessions. That means letting go of things you don’t need, use or love – and even some things you do.
Unless things actually leave the house, it’s just churning and you’re going to get nowhere.
What a PO can really give you
If you’ve ever wondered why Professional Organisers charge a lot more than cleaners do, let me tell you why…
1. We coach and teach WITH you, not do it for you
2. We understand that decluttering and organising is an individual thing
3. We know how to design systems that suit you; not us and not anyone else
4. We aim to set you up for future independence
5. We help you understand the relationship you have with your stuff and how to make it a productive and comfortable relationship
6. We understand the psychological issues involved
7. If we are in over our head re #6, we know it and we know when you’re better off with another service provider.
If you get someone who is saying that they can organise or declutter for you at cleaning rates or less, please be aware you get what you pay for. By all means try them if you want, but keep my warning in mind to avoid getting at worst, psychologically damaged and at best, one or two hundred dollars out of pocket for nothing. Or thousands, in the case of one of my clients before she found me.
Also make sure the PO you’re thinking about using is a member of an industry association (www.aapo.org.au, www.napo.com, www.organizersincanada.com, www.apdo-uk.co.uk or google your country and “professional organizer”) because that’s proof that they take their job seriously and are invested in making sure you get the best service possible.
We don’t cost more, we give you more.
Too many interests makes for all work and no fun
A common theme among my clients with high levels of clutter, particularly those who are “information collectors” or “crafters”, is a very high number of interests.
The more interests you are actively pursuing, the more stuff you accumulate.
The more stuff you accumulate, the more time it takes you away from your interests.
Take stock. How many interests do you have? And how much do you even get to enjoy them? Ironically, the more supplies people have, the less they actually do.
I know you need your hobbies and pursuits for your mental health, but do you need all of them at the same time? Our lives are long enough to pick a few favourites at a time.
Consider dropping some altogether, or putting a lot of them on hold.
As Oprah says –
“You CAN have it all, just not all at once”.
What kids really need. And it’s not toys…
I’m going to come straight out and say it – our (western) kids have far too many toys.
Even families that I meet with financial struggles have too many toys in their homes.
Too many toys causes significant stresses to families and can have negative effects on children (or at least take away some opportunities for positive growth).
A lot of parents feel like they are robbing their kids of a fun and fulfilled childhood if they minimise their toys. They feel that giving toys shows they love them. This could not be further from the truth.
Minimising toys teaches kids how to improvise, to use their imagination, to be grateful for what they have, to spend their money wisely and intentionally, to not be so uncomfortable when unstimulated (or “bored”) and to be resourceful and content.
According to one study, when children had reduced toys:
“The lack of toys provided time, space and liberty to make new experiences. The children perceived each other in a new way. They quarrelled less and co-operated more. The playing groups grew, younger children, boys and girls mixed in the games. The children learned to express their personal needs and to say” yes” or” no”. The dynamic processes in the children group changed completely. The children spoke about their problems and needs, they discovered individual strong and weak points and learned to appreciate both.”
Some parents justify it by saying “But they play with them all”. This is a fair statement. I don’t argue with that as the parents always know their kids best and it’s likely to be true. Because after all, kids do play with toys.
Yes, if your kids lived in Toys’R’Us, eventually they’d play with all the toys – simply because they are there!
BUT…
That doesn’t mean they NEED ALL the toys in order to be happy and healthy.
Your kids’ favourite plaything is you. And you are free and don’t take up much space. Next time you think about buying your kid something, instead give them a hug, tell them you love them and ask them what they’d like you to do with them for a bit of fun.